Since I know my son sometimes reads my blog this is for him. I also know that I'm not the only mother suffering from a broken heart over a child. It seems as if holidays bring out the worst in those who suffer from mental problems.
You called today, upset, things gone wrong, no one to blame. You called and talked to me using words no mother thinks will ever come out of her child's mouth. You were frustrated, filled with anger at the world. You declared a war and wanted to know what side I was on. Our conversation didn't end well.
What was it about some will wonder??? That story is so complicated. If I had the energy (and i will one day), I'll post a picture of you when you and two friends were the three wise men in the Christmas play at church. Somehow the picture was double exposed and is somewhat blurred.....kind of like looking to the future. But you knew all about Jesus. You loved Him.....He still loves you, please turn to Him.
The problem you had today started with a fight with your girlfriend. The one you love one moment and hate the next.....the one you tell me is insane but yet you continue to stay in the situation. Your children were there as was her child. Things got out of control and the fighting escalated. The smaller child was crying and at some point, your sweet, peacemaking daughter pled with you to stop. And as I have been quite concerned about for some time, you turned that anger on her. Oh, not with physical actions, but with words.....words that stay and hurt long after you've forgotten them. Trust me, she will forgive because she loves you and wants you in her life so badly, but she will never forget. Little chips will form and she will have to put up walls to protect herself. My prayer is that she has enough self confidence not to pick a man with similar problems so she can "fix" him because she couldn't fix her daddy.
The thing about it is this. She's 15, an age where some girls are in total rebellion. She's not. She's as sweet as she is beautiful. She tries so hard to make everyone around her happy. She thinks of others before she thinks of herself.
She has had you in her life such a little bit of time.....let her have you sober and without rage. Resolve your anger issues without involving her or your precious son. You can never give her back all the years you weren't there, but you can make the ones you are there good. You can start by helping yourself. Getting help for you so you can be daddy to them.
There is no war, son, I don't need to pick sides. I lay you daily on the mercy seat of God, praying He will turn your heart around. I also lay your children there praying a hedge of protection around them, that they may not be touched by the ugliness that comes with the lifestyle you choose.
I must say this to you, those words, words you use to hurt. No mother should have to hear those coming out of a dear, loved sons mouth. I will always be here to talk to, but I will not under any conditions listen to that kind of talk again. I'll have to hang up. You know that.
Now, I beg you to go quickly and find help. Work through your issues whatever they are. Don't find people with those same issues to be with. Start new, fresh and be the man I know you can be. God can heal you, He can mend the broken hearts around you and He can make your way straight.
If you continue on this path, I am frightened for what may become of you. Run as fast as you can to God, grab His everlasting arms and cling to them. Be a man....for your children. And think of this, what kind of adults do you want your children to be. My love cannot heal you, but His love will.
Later last nite I talked with both grandchildren and in my feeble way tried to comfort them and make sure they didn't think it was there fault. My granddaughter said "Nana, it isn't your fault". .....the poor girl. I can see that I must rescue the world attitude growing in her heart. I pray she lets that go!
Still later in the nite, I got a phone call from one of Paul's friends telling me Paul had been arrested....I wish I could say I was shocked, but I was expecting it knowing the mood he was in. The friend said Paul asked him to ask me if he could "borrow" $1500.00 for bail.....This will sound quite cruel to some but I told his friend that he could relay two things to my son for me, 1...I just don't pay people for cussing at me.....2.I never, ever pay bail, been there done that. And furthermore I told him that if he was really his friend he would encourage Paul to seek help.
The phone rang once again at about 11:30 p.m. I answered to a recording stating this was a call from a correctional center would I accept collect charges. I hung the phone up, took it off the hook, turned my cell phone to silent and slept. I really slept. I haven't heard anything today. But really, he, at 37, must learn to love God and his children more than the drink and drugs.
I promise I will have some really light posts soon. :)