Since I know my son sometimes reads my blog this is for him. I also know that I'm not the only mother suffering from a broken heart over a child. It seems as if holidays bring out the worst in those who suffer from mental problems.
You called today, upset, things gone wrong, no one to blame. You called and talked to me using words no mother thinks will ever come out of her child's mouth. You were frustrated, filled with anger at the world. You declared a war and wanted to know what side I was on. Our conversation didn't end well.
What was it about some will wonder??? That story is so complicated. If I had the energy (and i will one day), I'll post a picture of you when you and two friends were the three wise men in the Christmas play at church. Somehow the picture was double exposed and is somewhat blurred.....kind of like looking to the future. But you knew all about Jesus. You loved Him.....He still loves you, please turn to Him.
The problem you had today started with a fight with your girlfriend. The one you love one moment and hate the next.....the one you tell me is insane but yet you continue to stay in the situation. Your children were there as was her child. Things got out of control and the fighting escalated. The smaller child was crying and at some point, your sweet, peacemaking daughter pled with you to stop. And as I have been quite concerned about for some time, you turned that anger on her. Oh, not with physical actions, but with words.....words that stay and hurt long after you've forgotten them. Trust me, she will forgive because she loves you and wants you in her life so badly, but she will never forget. Little chips will form and she will have to put up walls to protect herself. My prayer is that she has enough self confidence not to pick a man with similar problems so she can "fix" him because she couldn't fix her daddy.
The thing about it is this. She's 15, an age where some girls are in total rebellion. She's not. She's as sweet as she is beautiful. She tries so hard to make everyone around her happy. She thinks of others before she thinks of herself.
She has had you in her life such a little bit of time.....let her have you sober and without rage. Resolve your anger issues without involving her or your precious son. You can never give her back all the years you weren't there, but you can make the ones you are there good. You can start by helping yourself. Getting help for you so you can be daddy to them.
There is no war, son, I don't need to pick sides. I lay you daily on the mercy seat of God, praying He will turn your heart around. I also lay your children there praying a hedge of protection around them, that they may not be touched by the ugliness that comes with the lifestyle you choose.
I must say this to you, those words, words you use to hurt. No mother should have to hear those coming out of a dear, loved sons mouth. I will always be here to talk to, but I will not under any conditions listen to that kind of talk again. I'll have to hang up. You know that.
Now, I beg you to go quickly and find help. Work through your issues whatever they are. Don't find people with those same issues to be with. Start new, fresh and be the man I know you can be. God can heal you, He can mend the broken hearts around you and He can make your way straight.
If you continue on this path, I am frightened for what may become of you. Run as fast as you can to God, grab His everlasting arms and cling to them. Be a man....for your children. And think of this, what kind of adults do you want your children to be. My love cannot heal you, but His love will.
Later last nite I talked with both grandchildren and in my feeble way tried to comfort them and make sure they didn't think it was there fault. My granddaughter said "Nana, it isn't your fault". .....the poor girl. I can see that I must rescue the world attitude growing in her heart. I pray she lets that go!
Still later in the nite, I got a phone call from one of Paul's friends telling me Paul had been arrested....I wish I could say I was shocked, but I was expecting it knowing the mood he was in. The friend said Paul asked him to ask me if he could "borrow" $1500.00 for bail.....This will sound quite cruel to some but I told his friend that he could relay two things to my son for me, 1...I just don't pay people for cussing at me.....2.I never, ever pay bail, been there done that. And furthermore I told him that if he was really his friend he would encourage Paul to seek help.
The phone rang once again at about 11:30 p.m. I answered to a recording stating this was a call from a correctional center would I accept collect charges. I hung the phone up, took it off the hook, turned my cell phone to silent and slept. I really slept. I haven't heard anything today. But really, he, at 37, must learn to love God and his children more than the drink and drugs.
I promise I will have some really light posts soon. :)
7 comments:
I am praying for you and for your son tonight! May God wrap His arms around you all.
This time of year is really hard for a lot of people. You are not alone.
God is so huge and He can perform huge miracles! Keep believing Him!
In His Love
Angie xoxo
Thanks Ang, It is just so heartbreaking and at seems neverending....please do pray! I know God has a plan.
Oh, my goodness, Nancy. I cried with you just now. I can hear your heart breaking. But you are so right not to pay bail or answer the phone. That is a high bail! We'll pray that Christmas in jail (if he can't con anyone into bailing him out) will be the eye-opener he needs. That he may think of those days of playing wiseman in the church play.
The Lord bless you, dear friend. I trust you are feeling better and can find peace as you celebrate the Christ who is the reason for this incredibly busy and sometimes difficult season of the year. I don't think He is pleased with what it has become.
I am so, so sorry. This is such a load,,,and so unfair,,,and so, so hard, You did the right thing. You showed him that YOU still have self respect, even if he does not. That is a lesson he needs to learn. How hard it is to hang up the phone, and say" NO"..but again, this is the language they can understand at this point in their lives. Enableing them is not loving them, it is only encouraging more bad behavior. You already have this figured out, I know. But, I want you to know that I hear what you are saying. I validate your decisions, I KNOW what your heartache is. You are not alone. There is hope. Some of us get to the other side and it is such a relief. I believe that if he ever gave his heart to the Lord, then the Lord will do what he has to do to get his attention. When we ask God to be our Savior, that is what he does. He saves us. And if that means saving us from living wrongly, He will do that. Your son may have to go through more trials to get to the place where he can hear God again. But, if he belongs to God, He will not turn His back and let him continue to do wrong.
Sorry, I know this sounds like preaching and I did not mean to be so long winded. But, maybe you need to hear these words. I care and offer my prayers up for your son....and for you.
you only think there's no war. you have absolutely no idea of which you speak. if you've told these "good friends" of yours anything, i hope you've told them that i AM a patriot. ask Capt. _______ or SSGT ______ (whose names i cannot give you because they are members of the United States Army's Green Berets, who i work with in afghanistan. don't know if mom mentioned it, but i do work overseas, building new forward operating bases for the SF) i can show you letters of recommendation and letters of appreciation from them and numerous other units. so don't ever tell me there's no war. you use the terms addict and alcoholic like you know what they mean. you have absolutely no idea. until you can speak to the things i have done, willingly, please don't speak at all. let me tell you one more thing..... i wanted BOTH my kids, still do. i'm so sorry that i haven't died yet and relieved you of that guilt that eats at you, but i seem to be sturdier than the doctors thought. but rest easy tonite, mom. what i haven't told you is i have to go back for more bloodwork. i may not be around for as long as i thought. so you go ahead and give my children your misguided advice. you've got longer to talk to them than i do. as for your smug friends online here, i've been released because *Thank God* we're still innocent until proven guilty here in the good ole U S of A. i don't have to con anyone, you hypocrites. look up the word. see how many time s Jesus used it. then, if you know how, go back and see what it meant in His time. if not, i'll let you know. i'll leave you with this: Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani. I hope your conscience eats at all of you like it should.
please, none of you hypocrites pray for me. it means as little as the moneychangers "piety" meant to Jesus. I shake you off, like dust off my sandals.
I rest my case.
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